


I'm not in love

by burninglavender



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Falling In Love, Introspection, Jules is still an Angelic pixie dream girl, Romance, Slow Burn, ansgty then fluffy, what if nate wasn't a total idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-02 13:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20276485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burninglavender/pseuds/burninglavender
Summary: The night Jules goes to the club, and Nate actually does show up. What does he have to say? And how will Jules respond?





	I'm not in love

**Author's Note:**

> This is a reimagining of the club scene in episode 7, with just slight canon divergence.  
In this story Nate and Jules did meet/talk online and meet at the lake. It went poorly because he'd catfished as Tyler, but Nate is not blackmailing her. He's still in love. 
> 
> Self deprecating disclaimer: this is the first fic I've written since writing HP fic on quizilla at a tender 11 years old. I'm not super familiar with ao3 yet so there's a non zero chance I'll edit this work a bit. It's a tad self indulgent, verbose, and hetero (yikes!). But after writing the whole damn thing I thought I may as well share it, with the thought even if only one other person enjoyed it, it'd be worth it.

The city lights dazzled as Jules, TC, and Anna stepped out of the Uber and approached the club. It was a feast for the eyes - Jules had missed the glow of urban landscape perhaps the most. And tonight her eyes were wide open. They had all dropped acid at TC's apartment a few hours ago, for Jules just a half tab, but the concept of time was hard to grasp at this point. Time didn’t matter tonight. Jules was free, and she felt this deep within her soul as an unmatchable feeling of lightness. She glowed. The world swirled. The wonder of life filled her to the brim. As the group walked into the club, all according to plan, Anna gave them each a small dose of molly. Jules knew this could only carry her into higher planes of compassion and devastating beauty. She gave a quick squeeze to Anna’s hand, relishing the warmth of their budding friendship, and strode forward with her arm around TC.

Inside the music throbbed and vibrated her to the core; she found herself immediately thrown into the crush of human bodies. What pure delight, she thought, to be amongst so many people, tied to the ground by the infinite rhythm of the bass. She smiled looking down at her feet, knees, protruding hips, and subtle curve of her breast. She felt proud of how she had adorned herself, and especially grateful for the flesh underneath, a feeling that was sometimes hard to conjure. Anna had done her makeup to perfection. She could feel herself laughing as her body bumped against Anna’s body, and then against stranger’s bodies, as if the entire dance floor was engaged in massive choreographed chaos. Jules knew she was in the exact right place.

Jules wouldn’t have noticed when the molly hit, everything was already mesmerizing, kinetic, and wonderful. She continued to dance as her thoughts wandered. She was thinking blissfully of her relationships, her loved ones. She thought of TC, a friend who carried her through some of her hardest years, and leaned over to embrace them. She thought of Anna and knew in that moment she must kiss her, and so she did. Jules looked up to the lights on the ceiling that glimmered to the music. She may have let a couple of tears of joy fall, too, and she danced all the same.

And then she was thinking of Rue, oh Rue, if only she could be here. But Rue was far away, in both space and feeling. Jules asked Anna if they should invite Rue. Anna said no. Anna was kissing Jules, and Jules said she'd give her one more kiss. She turned away and floated deeper into the dancing mass.

Suddenly she thought of Nate, Tyler, her shy guy. In response she felt her heart squeeze and her breath stop. This moment last longer than others, the heartache resonated through her soul, and she danced on, connecting her body’s movements to this almost unbearable feeling and letting it work its way out in sweat. By nature, Jules gave her love quite freely. But to Tyler (Nate? For the life of her, she couldn’t remember the difference anymore) she had given it all. He maneuvered into the deepest parts of her heart, they had bared their souls, they were in love, she thought. She projected onto him her fantasies of a protective and fiercely loyal boy who loves her without shame. It was all fantasy.

Her love for him endured, despite the night at the lake when she rejected him. Their shared words looped back in her head and she bit her lip hard to distract from that pain with a different pain. Jules envisioned what she would say to him now, she felt these words bursting from skull, reaching out to Nate, calling him back to her heart. She pictured herself embracing him, body and soul, she could see the glow of love materialized around them. She could feel the glow of that love. This kind of love is inevitable, undying. He would come back to her. And so she danced with that feeling.

\---

Nate was at home when he got the text. He had debated blocking her number on principle but had decided against it. When his phone lit up with the notification New Message from Jules, his blood ran cold. In an instant his mind ran through all possible options of what she could possibly want from him at this point, and the thought of these options filled him with dread. When he finally opened the message, his heart stopped.

Jules 11:47PM

_I still love you. Come find me._

And a dropped pin, some club all the way in the city. Fuck, he thought, she had gone to visit friends that weekend. Now his heart was pounding. Still loved him? She hadn’t even told him she loved him in the first place. He reread the message over and over, making sure he absorbed her words. How pathetic would it be to show up all the way on the other side of the town on command. She was probably fucked up out of her mind too. And surrounded by a gaggle of queer weirdo city friends. Fuck that. His heart drummed on, rattling his skull.

He began typing a reply, starting with a _no thanks_, and then a _why?_, _call me, stay there,_ but he couldn’t bring himself to send anything and deleted each message as soon as it was typed. His mind was whirring. Truth be told, he had no plans that night. He had blown off Maddy. His dad was away on business, his brother was out, and his mom was already asleep. Not that anyone cared where he was. Earlier that evening he had actually given thought to driving by Jules’ house, just to check up, forgetting she was out of town. And now he was wracked with indecision. He could just drive to the club, just to see her, to see her and leave, not even to talk. Maybe that would do. Jules wouldn’t even have to know he was there.

But what if she did see him? In a moment of weakness he let his mind wander. He could apologize to her, embrace her. He thought of how sweetly she smelled and how delicate her lips felt on his own. His heart tightened. No, it wouldn’t happen, because he wouldn’t let it.

Nate sat down on his bed (he had been pacing) and ran a hand through his hair. He thought of that night on the lake, and how he had fucked everything up. That was the last time they had talked. He rarely felt remorse, but he would give almost anything to change what happened. He just didn’t know how. Making amends with Maddy was easy; she was a simple, predictable girl. Jules, well, she was multidimensional, she was otherworldly, radiant, divine. She was beyond feminine and beyond his established rules of attraction for girls. She was everything.

In his dad’s most recent elicit recording, which Nate had of course watched as soon as it appeared in the desk drawer, his chosen f*ggot partner, Minnie, Minty, whatever the fuck, had said something that Nate couldn’t get out of his head. He (she? they? Fuck) had said _everyone knows who I am_. How must it feel to be known? Nate was just like his father. Repressed to the core. No one knew him. And then along came Jules. She could see through the bullshit and speak directly to his soul. She knew him. Nate felt that from the moment he had met Jules. He was envious of all those God damn f*ggots who could live so free and true to themselves. He hated them.

Fuck. Nate sighed and his lip trembled. He inhaled sharply to stifle an emerging sob. He didn’t hate them, he admired them. He hated this poison inside of himself. He blamed his father for it. He wanted it gone. Nate again ran a hand through his hair, paused for a moment, then stood.

He would just go to see her. That’s all. He could drive over, make sure she was okay while keeping distance, and come home. He had nothing to lose.

Nate grabbed his keys and wallet from beside his bed. He took a brief glance in the mirror. He looked beyond tired, almost sickly, though not weak. His eyes still held his signature predatorial glint; his jaw could cut glass. Nate gave a passing thought to changing his clothes but instead pulled the zipper of his Adidas pullover down a few inches to expose a golden necklace underneath. He didn’t linger long at his reflection. Nate padded down the stairs and out the door to his truck. He was on a mission.

\---

When he finally parked the clock read 3:03AM. He cursed out loud. Nate had driven as fast as he could, but he ran into a massive accident on the highway before his GPS could reroute, which piled on an additional hour of travel time. He wasn't the kind of person to let his nerves get the better of him, yet this drive had tested him all the same. Clubs and bars in the city stayed open until 6am, he had reassured himself, she could still be inside.

Nate was stone cold sober but his thoughts swarmed in his head, making him dizzy and near sick. He gave himself permission to gather his wits in the parking lot before heading inside. He popped open the middle console of his truck. Inside was a modest stash of Dior cologne, breath mints, his Ruger MK IV, and some of Maddy's makeup she had left behind throughout their relationship. He told himself he kept it there in case she ever asked for it back. He'd be lying if he said he'd never attempted to apply some himself. His hands shook as he picked up what looked like a thick, black pencil and traced gently around his eyes. Next he picked up a small glass jar of sticky glitter (did it even have a name?), dipped a tentative ring finger into it, and applied the thin paste over his eyelids and dark undereye circles. Nate loved this small jar of glitter. Privately he had experimented with it, in dark mental and physical spaces. He couldn't say exactly what made it him do it. Some remote comfort, a minor step towards beauty or pure self expression. Jules was the only one who knew about these quiet moments. He had told her about them when she still thought of him as Tyler. Tonight, he had decided, he would be beautiful, like Tyler. Nate slammed the console shut, trapping both gun and glitter inside. He dragged air into his lungs for one last deep breath, held it, and let go. He exited the truck and strode inside the club.

It was so fucking loud. Nate's thoughts were all but pushed out of his head. The lights flashed and gleamed in an offensive chaos that made it hard to read faces and bodies. The bodies all seemed connected in one writhing mass of ecstatic sweat. This was the type of environment that made Nate want to drink. He couldn't drink tonight though, because he didn't want to be angry. Only one thing could soothe both his anxiety and his anger: Jules. Her smile. Nate’s breath caught remembering those few months talking to Jules when he actually felt whole. He moved deeper through the crowd and onto the dance floor.

Despite the overpowering bass, Nate could still feel his heart pounding against his ribcage. This was a new breed of nerves, like bats inside his stomach. The first time he felt them was the night of McKay's party, when he had gotten close to Jules. Admittedly he was browning out in anger over Maddy fucking that shitbag Tyler, yet then there was Jules. He saw her and wanted to conquer her. He approached her, came within centimeters of her, his face _that close_ to hers, and Nate wanted to hold her. No, he wanted her to hold _him_. He wanted to surrender to her in that very moment. Instead, he yelled. Nate swallowed in attempt to blot out the memory.

His eyes scanned the crowd, speckled in the erratic glow of disco lighting. No Jules. Nate pushed in deeper. He refused to give up on finding her after coming this far. In all the swirling chaos Nate had somehow forgotten his initial plan to merely see Jules. He had become single minded in his mission - Nate was going to find Jules now, and apologize. He couldn't bear to go on knowing Jules thought of him as an imposter, a bully. Nate was Tyler. In their digital discourse, Nate had been his most vulnerable self. Every day he was weighed down by his father's ethos. It dragged him into the deepest despair. He laid awake each night wishing for the release of death but woke each morning screaming until he felt grounded enough to step outside.

Another heady bass drop sucked Nate back into the moment. He was losing steam. He caught the eye of various party goers: men, women, and everyone between & beyond smiled at him. If it was a typical night out, he would flash a wolfish smirk with each instance of eye contact. Tonight he didn't have the energy to return glassy eyed attention. It seemed like most everyone's pupils were a black expanse. Nate could hear his father's voice, instructing him to take only the masculine drugs, booze, coke, even meth if the situation was right. As long as it wasn't those queer drugs that turn you wide eyed and weak. Nate took molly once in eighth grade and kissed his friend Alex. Alex moved away; Nate never took another psychedelic. He tried now to shake off his father's omnipotence. So he pressed on, circling round the dance floor, hoping it wasn't too late.

And it wasn't. There, ten feet away, she was dancing with abandon. Dancing wasn't the right word; she was transcending. She glowed. No one in the universe was so carelessly elegant, no one else radiated such confidence, Nate was sure. Jules, he felt himself mouth her name though no sound escaped his lips. Jules, again, no sound but he felt those damn bats in stomach and a flush of heat across his face. She seemed to be alone, Nate observed. Where were her friends? He pressed forward, heart racing, til she cast her gaze up and her eyes locked with his. Jules, he whispered once more, before her eyes widened and she froze in place.

\---

The night was melting onward in no discernable direction. Jules lost track of herself and in her mind was one with, well, the universe. She pulsed and gyrated with the other dancers. She was assimilated in the fabric of movement, light, heat, and sound that had taken over her senses. At some point, unbeknownst to Jules, Anna and TC had stepped out for some air and lingered there sharing an overdue heart to heart. Ordinarily Jules would have noticed, she preferred intimate company on molly and the second of half of acid trips, but tonight she gazed inward. Jules conversed with herself.

Her thoughts ran in endless meandering circles, but as the night wore on, a message became clear. She needed to escape the suburbs as soon as possible. She couldn't endure it for much longer. With each passing day, Jules felt herself diverging from her own sense of self. Sure she had made some lifelong friends. But she saw the suburbs as a pit of despair filled with the dark energy of repressed humanity. It suffocated her spirit. It was ripping her heart in two. She needed people like Anna and TC who expressed themselves without restraint. Jules had made up her mind; she would finish high school and get out, back to the city. She nodded her head with this resolve.

Gradually Jules felt herself coming back down to earth. Her joints had begun to ache, and she gasped with relief when she relaxed her jaw for the first time all night. The visuals were still spectacular, although the flashing of the lights overhead was losing its charm and becoming somewhat disorienting. She moved her body with more mindfulness now, head bobbing to the downbeat, trying to stay grounded. A bright wave of light swept over the dance floor, and she saw a figure in the distance. A tall figure, head above the crowd. It almost looked like…. No, it couldn’t be, but her heart still skipped a beat.

Again she lifted her head, the music blared, the lights flooded the room with color. She noticed the tall figure circling closer but couldn’t focus her eyes on his face long enough to discern who it was. Jules kept dancing. Her heartbeat ran a little quicker. She couldn’t shake the menacing feeling of being watched. Now she kept her head up. The acid enhanced her alertness somewhat, keeping her eyes open, eager to feast on her surroundings. Another flare of light and the figure came into full view. His face was glittering, his hair was styled up, a necklace shone at his collarbones. His physical form was the picture of abject masculinity, and his chosen expression only added to this evident beauty. In her altered state of consciousness it took an extra second to process his image. Then, she knew. Nate.

No, it couldn’t be him. Jules tried to cast his image from her mind and let her body continue to move to the music. She looked up again, praying she really was just hallucinating, but he was even closer. He was moving toward her. In an instant their eyes locked on one another. She was seen.

The reaction was automatic. Her heart raced and her body froze. Jules was paralyzed, not with fear, but with some other feeling. She knew she couldn’t move. So instead she stared as he approached. She wanted to weep at his undeniable beauty. He had done his own make up, clumsily, and if it weren’t for his staggering height he would have blended right in. Her heart ached remembering their late night conversations and the love she felt pulsating through her fingertips each time she typed a new message to him. But how did he find her?

“Jules.” He was standing right in front of her.

“What are you doing here?” She could barely choke out the words. Nate sensed her hesitancy, and his face softened. Still, she felt weak at the knees and wordlessly begged the floor to come up to meet her.

“You texted me.” He said, matter of fact.

“I did?” Her voice cracked. Jules racked her mind but the evening was a blur. She remembered entering the club, everything was aglow with wonder, it was devastating, stimulating. Jules remembered thinking of Nate and trying to harness their shared love, to heal their bond, to feel his warmth just once more. This recent memory was cast in a blue glow. Then it dawned on her, of course she had texted him, she was reaching out to him the only way they knew how. Nate’s words brought her back to the present.

“Did you not want me to come?” He took a tentative step forward when Jules failed to respond. “Are you here alone?” His voice boomed and echoed back in her skull. Jules began to back up, her paralysis coming to an end. She couldn’t tell if she was being preyed upon or protected. Frightened, she glanced wildly across the dance floor and saw no familiar faces. No one but Nate. Jules turned on her heels, she couldn’t hear her thoughts over the music, just the erratic thumping of her heart. She needed to get away, now.

“No, no, no, no, no, no…” Nate called after her. The disappointment in his voice made her stomach turn. He reached out and grabbed her hand. Her hands, which had always felt so tragically huge, were easily engulfed by his own. It was a small comfort despite her current disorientation. Nate pulled her close to him then, his face inches from hers. She looked in his eyes and could see his raw desperation. But she couldn’t stop her body from shaking.

“I’m scared of you Nate…” was all she could manage to say, and it was true. Jules felt like prey. She wanted to trust him, but right now, her heart ached. They were surrounded by sweaty human bodies, overwhelmed by the infinite thrum of bass and glaring light. As she said those words Nate’s face fell, the harshness all but disappeared.

“I’m sorry for everything,” he whispered against her cheek, “I’m sorry for hurting you,” he paused to bring his face even closer to hers, “you… you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. I’m Tyler. I’m the person you fell in love with.” Jules felt goosebumps cover her skin. Her lower lip trembled. Nate was telling the truth.

She felt a tide of anger wash over her--how dare he, how dare he live a lie, trick her into loving him. How could he live like this, hiding himself and his feelings every single day. He leeched every ounce of compassion from her, made her sympathize with him. Jules roared, wrapping a hand around his neck and pushing him with all her might against the wall.

“I wanna kill you,” She spat, holding him there by the neck, releasing every ounce of venom within herself.

“I’m yours...I’m all yours,” He smirked, Nate wasn’t afraid. Not now, not when they first met and she held a knife to his stomach. The same way Jules saw right through Nate, he could see right through her, effortlessly. In that instant, the rage subsided almost as soon as it had come. The violence that occupied Jules’ mind since childhood dissipated and was replaced with desire so strong and urgent she could hardly think. She could smell Nate’s breath, so sweet, and his skin, coated lightly in sweat and glitter. Blood coursed through her veins as she held Nate’s face in her hands and brought her lips crashing down onto his. Their mouths connected with fervor. Jules felt release like never before in their kiss; her heart soared through the ceiling and into oblivion. It was perfect.

She pulled her lips away, hands gripping his chiseled jaw.

"I still love you," she whispered, barely audible.

"I know," Nate holding her in his gaze, "I love you too, Jules." He brought his forehead down to rest on hers. Silence fell between them. The rest of the world was all but forgotten. Nate was her world in this moment. She drank him in: all the warmth and need that radiated from his pores, the thrum of his heart, and his now steady breath. "Jules, say you'll be mine."

Jules lifted her head to meet his eye. "What do you mean?" She asked, but she knew. She was to be protected.

"I can't let you go Jules, not again. I… it was the biggest mistake of my life, letting you go." He looked down at the ground. "I can't live like this. I can't live a lie."

Jules extended her hand to gently cup Nate's chin. She traced her fingers across his cheekbone, then his brow, then ran them into his dark hair. It was liberating to explore him like this and to know him by touch. She contemplated his glittering eyes and intent stare.

Nate continued, "it was from the moment I first saw you, last summer, biking around town. And at the party -- God, I fucked it all up. I can't live like this."

"Shhh…" Jules stroked his cheek as one timid tear streamed down. "I'm here. I know."

“And my dad--” his voice cracked, then filled with contempt. “I’m going to fucking kill him, Jules, I want him dead, it’s all I can do not to shoot him in the fucking head, I can’t --”

“Nate,” Jules soft voice broke through his anger, “Nate, it’s going to be okay. I… we can move on from it, together, you know.”

“And I can’t imagine living another day knowing I let you down, you--” Nate paused, allowing himself a moment to truly soak in Jules. She was angelic tonight, like every night. He loved her soft blonde hair and impeccable, sparkling skin. He especially delighted in her clothing, each outfit surprised him, aroused him, inspired him. To see her was to be at peace. She had that effect on people. He swallowed and collected himself. “You’re my world, Jules, I can’t get you out of my head.”

Nate reached down to take hold of her hand. He brought it to his lips and placed a delicate kiss across her knuckles. Jules was at a loss for words. She felt as though she were dreaming; she was floating up and away and watching herself from far above. She was replete with elation. This was it, her boy was here, taking her hand, taking her away from her own darkness. Now Nate brought his hand to her face, and Jules leaned into his palm, revelling in his touch.

"I promise you, I promise, to be true. To be like Tyler."

"Nate," she was more stern, "just be Nate." Their eyes met again, both pairs wet with tears. Jules buzzed with tenderness for the boy in her arms. And she too felt more vulnerable than she thought possible. Her eyes searched deep within his and she knew he felt the same. Jules let a small smile emerge, "and I'll be Jules."

Nate smiled back, and then his lips were on hers for one more kiss. Jules was electrified. She was overwhelmed kinetic bliss. All too soon, it ended.

"Jules, are you here alone?"

Reality came flooding back to her. "Oh, no, I… TC and Anna, I don't where…." She felt frightened again. Nate took her hand and interlocked their fingers.

"Hey, why don't we find them? They can't be far, and I wouldn't want them to worry. I wouldn’t want that at all." Jules nodded in agreement, and Nate led her through the dance floor. Her fear was forgotten. Nate moved through the crowd with ease while Jules felt herself floating behind. She was starstruck. Nate glanced back at her every few seconds, if only to see the gentle smile drawn across her delicate face.

Jules didn't want the moment to end. This night did feel like a dream, and while she wanted to find her friends, she longed to have Nate all for herself. Could he really change? Jules had forgiven him long ago, of course. What she wished for now was to cherish him, to know him not just in the digital exosphere, but in the flesh. Her cheeks flushed. Oh how she hoped. That Nate could transcend his demons and the superficial throes of public high school. She was mesmerized by the musculature of his back as he pressed forward. Jules hoped again, silently, that there would be more moments like this with Nate. That the sentiments shared tonight would endure back in the real world. She cast away uncertainty and let herself melt into the comfort of her hand in Nate's.

They had circled around the club, and Jules hadn't seen TC or Anna. It was a large venue, but not so large that her friends could have disappeared.

"Outside, perhaps?" Nate mouthed, turning in her direction, but even at arm's distance away she couldn't quite hear his voice. He pushed through the main entrance into the crisp night, then held the door open for Jules as she passed through. She was outside for a mere second when she heard someone calling her name.

"Jules!" An excited voice came from the left. Anna and TC stood and strode forward, beaming at her. Jules beamed back, filled with relief at their reunion. The three of them embraced and lingered there until Anna pulled away.

"We lost you to the dance floor, our sweet ballerina," Anna laughed.

A smile swept over Jules face, "I was having a moment," she said, still smiling, "sometimes you just gotta dance it out."

"I feel you! Me and TC had a moment too," Anna and TC exchanged a glance, a smile. "Soul to soul, you know how it is."

Jules grinned in agreement, then realized Nate was no longer beside her. Her head snapped up and she turned to look back at the club entrance. Nate was reclined against the side of the building, statuesque as ever, eyes locked on her.

“Who’s that?” Anna’s gaze had followed Jules’ to look at Nate. “They’re stinkin’ cute.” She chuckled. Jules waved to Nate, beckoning him to join them. He responded with immediacy and made his way towards the trio.

As Nate approached, Jules pulled him in by the waist, “This is Nate. He goes to my new high school, actually,” She released a smirk and looked up at him. “But he’s pretty cool. I found him on the dancefloor. Nate, these are my friends from home, Anna and TC.”

“Nice to meet you, I’ve heard good things,” Nate beamed. Jules looked on in admiration, fuck, was he beautiful.

“You too. Hey -- let’s get a picture? I totally forgot, because, well, you know.” Anna laughed and pulled out her polaroid camera. “Come on you two, get close.”

Jules and Nate were already side by side, but Nate wrapped his arm around Jules’ shoulder and let his head rest atop hers. They both smiled as the camera clicked and flashed.

“So cute!” Anna exclaimed as she brought the camera down and took out the newly printed picture. “You take this copy Jules, and Nate, can you get a shot of the three of us?” It was more of a statement than a question--Anna pressed the camera in Nate’s hand as she spoke.

“Oh, yeah, of course,” If Nate was out of his comfort zone, it certainly wasn’t showing. Not even to Jules. He gestured for the friends to squeeze into the frame. They all struck a pose together with effortless glamour, and Nate clicked the shutter. He passed the camera back to Anna as the friend’s untangled from their photo stance.

“It’s a good one,” he assured them, still grinning. “I’m glad Jules has people like you, I know she’s dying to get out of the suburbs. I am too, shit.” Nate glanced down at Jules who stood beside him again. She had only ever heard him express that sentimient via text, to hear those words aloud was music to ears. Nate, let’s leave together, she thought to herself.

“We’ll take you in, get someone to work on this.... situation,” Anna playfully gestured to the now quite messy glitter and eyeliner on Nate’s face.

“Hey,” Nate laughed, feigning offense, “I’m trying. I’m new at it.” The group shared more laughter. Jules felt at peace, here. The serendipity of Nate’s presence stilled her mind. The noise from the club was muffled and lent a rhythmic ambience to this scene of early dawn. By now, the more preponderant physical effects of psychedelics had faded, but her ecstatic revelations still gleamed within her.

“You good Jules?” TC interjected, and all their attention went to Jules. She cocked an eyebrow. A dreamy expression was plastered on her face, but she released a lazy smile.

“Totally, I’m just so spaced out right now. Like, blissed out.” True, she hadn’t quite returned from blissful oblivion. “I’m so glad we came tonight though, it was like, exactly what I needed.” She stayed smiling and looked on at her friends, lovers.

“Ugh yes we love having you. Can’t wait til you come back for good.” Anna reached out and gave Jules’ hand a tight squeeze. Jules couldn’t wait either, she would be back, for sure. “Man, I’m exhausted though. What a night.”

“Maybe we should head back? Don't forget I have a pile of whip-its waiting for us back home," TC said, a mischievous grin spread across their face.

“Oh perf,” Jules chimed in, “we love a little early morning dissociation and chill.”

“Nate, you coming with?” Anna queried. “We have room if you need a place to crash.”

Nate was caught off guard. “Oh, no thanks, I have to get home--my parents. But another time, hopefully.”

“For sure, for sure. I’m calling up an Uber now.” Anna pulled out her out her phone and was showered in hot blue light.

Jules turned back to Nate, “I’m so glad you came. It means a lot to me.” She leaned up in her platform boots to plant a kiss on Nate’s cheek. “I’ll see you at home?”

“Of course,” he pulled her into his arms, rocking slightly, and bent down to rest his head on hers. He let in a jagged breath. Jules knew the sound of stifled tears. She grasped him even tighter, suddenly dreading the absence of his warmth. She was determined to commit every aspect of this embrace to her memory, to let it live eternally. “I’ll be there.”

Then, he disentangled himself, and graciously bade farewell to TC and Anna, making promises to come back for more adventures in the city. God, he was so charming. Jules watched as Nate disappeared into the parking lot with his characteristic confident stride: head held high and shoulders back. She let out a compulsive sigh. A solitary tear trailed down her face. She wasn’t sad per se, it was a feeling beyond description. She just felt so... _human_.

The Uber arrived, and the three of them climbed in. Jules couldn’t help looking back as they drove off. Nate was long gone, and so was his truck. The club and all its clamor faded away too. Yet something glowed within Jules, she carried it with her, from the club, into the night, and deeper into her dreams.

\---

Jules woke up the next morning in Anna’s apartment to the sound of a text notification. The sun pried through the curtains with mid afternoon gusto. She reached over Anna for her phone on the bedside table, still hazy with sleep. As she readjusted to consciousness Jules tried to gather her memories from the previous evening. They were in no linear order; rather, emotions whirred inside her, anchored at their core by a central, positive feeling. She couldn’t remember her exact thoughts, or words, but she remembered dancing, melting in movement, and then she knew: Nate.

She unlocked her phone, her heartbeat now accelerated, to pull up her texts. The notification was from Rue. There were a ton of unread messages from Rue. Jules would deal with them later. Her fingers navigated clumsily back through her list of texts, she needed to find... she needed to confirm--there. She opened up her chat with Nate, and read:

Sent Sat 11:47PM

_I still love you. Come here._

So if she had sent that message, then it had to be real, right? All of it? Images flickered in her mind, first the fear, then the anger, but then mostly the desire, the sensation of Nate's lips on hers, his promises. Could it be real? Jules reached under her pillow and pulled out the polaroid. Despite the psychedelic whirlwind that was last night, Jules had made sure to keep hold of this treasure. She held the picture inches from her face and absorbed every detail. She stood side by side with Nate, in all their club-going glitter coated splendor, arms around each other, faces absolutely glowing. Yes, she beamed, laying there in bed. It was real.

She wished she could remember everything that had transpired between them. Her most vivid memory was her hand wrapped around his neck, then their mouths locked together. And all of it was tinged with confessional love and mutual understanding. What would happen next though? Jules sighed, imagining the worst. Things would be the same. She would arrive at school on Monday to be ignored. Oh well. It was wishful thinking that he would overcome his hangups and just let himself live. Unfortunately, she knew the type.

Jules reassured herself that at the bare minimum, she had the memories, and better yet she had that polaroid. It had been an otherworldly, unforgettable evening. And when she moved back to the city this would be the norm. She closed her eyes and imagined life at twenty five years old.

Then, another text notification. She hastened to open it.

Nate 1:18PM

_Hey party angel. Hope all is well. See u back in suburban hell ❤️_

Jules dropped her phone on her chest and squeezed her eyes shut. Bliss enveloped her entire being. The sun shone down. Yes, yes, yes, it was real.

\---

Thanks for reading. I have a couple other story ideas for Nate and Jules if folks are interested & I still have momentum. Mostly thanks for indulging my fantasy of Nate not being a total fuckwit, and joining forces with Jules to obliterate both feminity and masculinity. A girl can dream 😢 


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